lessons from a year of calm
sleep, silence, and trust
Calm is a word that’s guided me throughout 2022 - a year that’s often felt anything but calm.
And yet, I do feel calmer overall. Stress isn’t always avoidable, but I’m getting better at equipping myself to deal with it, and also at cultivating an inner calm to draw upon when anxiety looms.
Here’s what I’ve learned about calm in 2022:
Sometimes, you need to drop the defenses. It started with one cut, then you found yourself ribboned in scratches. So, you grew thorns of your own - a prickly, defensiveness that protected your castle and kept others out. I believe most of us are encircled by an invisible tangle of briars, drawing blood as we mercilessly bump into one another. Yet at the centre of the roseless thorn bush lies a quivering creature, fearful of being hurt. This year I’ve found myself asking, why do I feel so defensive? What would happen if I didn’t react? It’s not always easy to catch myself in the moment but gentle and consistent pruning helps me relax and realise not everyone who visits the castle is an enemy.
Sometimes, you need to drop the portcullis. Contrary to the point above, there are times when you need to draw boundaries in order to protect yourself. Not everyone can be trusted to be careful with your needs and desires. Not everyone deserves access to the best parts of you. For that reason, I will always be in favour of the infamous INFJ door slam where necessary.
Nature is my church. I will never regret hours spent in the woods or walking by the river. Communion with root and stone, field and frost, soothes my soul.
Sleep is kin to calm. Oh, to bask in bed on Sunday mornings! To slip away for fairytale naps in the afternoon. To close the shutters and cloak the bed chamber in darkness. To wake later in winter…why have I denied myself the healing power of sleep for so long?
I am a woman, my needs are different. Strange how the smallest shift in perspective can bring the most peace. It hasn’t always felt safe to be female, and the world can, at times, feel in opposition to the feminine spirit, but suppressing an innate part of who I am left me feeling disconnected and empty. Embracing my feminine energy has brought so much light and peace into my life.
What would make me feel calm at this moment? Simply asking this question has been illuminating, bringing awareness to the root cause of stress or anxiety. Sometimes the sigh of relief comes from letting go. Other times, it comes after tackling the thing I’ve been putting off. Knowing when to speak up and when to walk away is also crucial. Is this a big thing or small thing? Are they worth my energy?
Other people’s heads and hearts are their own affair. I can’t ever truly know how another person thinks or feels, and it’s not my responsibility to anticipate someone else’s needs or improve their mood. What another person thinks, what another person feels…I trust that they’ll share it with me in time if they wish to.
Calm begins within. Life can be a sun-dappled beach or a stormy sea. Much is out of our control, but we can choose how to approach setbacks and challenges. Calm is a choice - react and lash out, or, take a moment to breathe and see what comes next.
Calm follows trusting yourself. And trust doesn’t come easily with an inner saboteur neglecting your needs or critiquing everything over your shoulder. It’s much easier to feel calm when you trust that you’ll take care of yourself, or that if you make a mistake, you’ll treat yourself with compassion and kindness instead of bitter condemnation.
Moving in silence. What a relief to not have to announce my plans. To not voice every thought. To keep my goals secret and only share if and when I feel comfortable doing so.
Gratitude. If one thing kept me grounded this year it was feeling grateful. My diary is full of lists, a catalogue of joys big and small, scribbled before bed. They’re inky antidotes to comparison. If ever I feel like I’m falling short these lists put things into perspective again.
Do you pick a word for the year? I find a guiding word combined with a vision board much more helpful in achieving my desires than New Year's resolutions. My word for 2023 is already giving me butterflies…but I’ll share it with you next year!
Kate xx
I’ve never picked a word for the year as a resolution, but I’m going to try out that idea and put together a vision board now! Maybe it will help me achieve the results I want by acting as an inspiring reminder 😊
PS: I’m an INFJ too, and I’ve slammed many doors. I think it’s our defense mechanism.
"Nature is my church." Oh, I relate so much! I grew up in a very religious family. And though I've kept to the faith and grown in it, I find I worship best outdoors...not in a church. I need to make more time for worship and the outdoors. I've been sticking to my usual busy schedule, but I feel as if I'm missing out on some of the peace, wonder, and magic of Christmas by doing so.
(And yes! I've picked out my word for next year already. Can't wait to hear yours!)